Facing My Inadequacy

I’m not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree when it comes to learning a new language. I like to affectionately think of myself as the caboose in class, I’m usually the last one to arrive at the train station of comprehension. Or to put it another way, if our language class was a football team, I think I would be the waterboy.

To be honest, this is a relatively new feeling for me.

Most of my life I have felt competent and capable. Before becoming a missionary, I had a career as a civil engineer for almost 20 years. I graduated college needing to pass classes like calculus, thermodynamics, and differential equations to name a few. Before being licensed in Illinois as a professional engineer, I had to pass both the EIT and PE (8 hour) exams. There are even housing developments designed by yours truly that are still standing today. All this to say that I feel I can tackle most things.

But learn a foreign language? Memorize foreign words? Comprehend foreign grammar patterns? 

I think that side of my brain retired already. Most of my friends know that I have the memory of a goldfish. I’m still trying to correctly use English grammar like “their/there/they’re'' in a sentence without spell check reminding me of my failure. 

Now, I get to magnify these insufficiencies as I attempt to learn one of the most difficult languages for English speakers to comprehend. Do you know what it is like to struggle through a simple sentence like “I study Japanese for 3 hours each day” only to inadvertently say “I use a Japanese toilet for 3 hours each day”? Yeah, true story. Let’s just say that I have gotten better at reading facial expressions when I speak Japanese. 

Not being able to see myself as competent and self-sufficient in a foreign country has really been humbling. I constantly feel like a needy child. How do I mail a package when I don’t understand kanji? Help me! How do I order the ramen I want when I can’t read the menu? Someone, please help me! How do I tell the bank attendant to mail me a monthly statement? Help help help! 

After a while this can start to feel exhausting and discouraging. When confessing this to a friend, I received some unexpected advice. He told me that I needed to embrace it! Embrace the feeling of being like a child, of realizing your weakness and limitations, and let whatever sense of self-sufficiency that has developed over the years die as a result of my current situation. If I can do that, than I will be closer to understanding what “like a child” means when Jesus said:

“Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” (Mark 10:15)

Children are not competent and self-sufficient. They are needy, helpless, and vulnerable. They are dependent on their parents, and for very good reason. Children are physically weaker than adults. They lack the understanding and experience that adults have. It is wise for a child to obey and depend on their parents, just as it is wise for me to do the same with God. My obedience is a reflection of my faith, and a confirmation of God’s Kingdom in my own heart. 

Now, I have the great privilege (and responsibility) of sharing this Kingdom with other people, and the biggest mistake I can make is to think that I can do this on my own. God needs self-sufficient Christians like a submarine needs a screen door. 

Remember when David numbered his army in 2 Samuel 24, why do you think this displeased the Lord so much? Who was really giving David those victories, his army or his God? Satan incited David’s pride and self-sufficiency and God humbled him for his own good. I believe the Lord desires us to recognize our limitations so we can be reminded of our dependence on Him. This is a good thing. We don’t need to fight Him when we are faced with our weakness. 

So if God wants to remind me of my weaknesses so that I am more dependent on His grace, let me boast in my weakness so that His grace may be sufficient for me. For greater is He that is in me than he that is in this world. Lord, let my weakness display Your glory. 

I don’t mind being a caboose.